Points of Failure

Today I don't feel like fighting or picking myself up off of the floor.  The referee can ring the bell all he or she wants. Have at it.  Frankly, I just don't have the energy to care.  Call me a quitter.  Poke at me and even kick me while I'm down.  Makes little matter.  Tomorrow is a new day and at that point I will carefully reconsider and at that point I may just bite back...a lot...but not today.  

Until then the waves can crash over me and I'll go with it and allow myself to get tossed to and fro.  Everyone talks about the whole fight or flight response.  Is there some documentation somewhere about the curl-up-in-a-ball and cry response?  I made it through the week and that is the extent of my fight today and just maybe that's good enough.

I wanted so badly not to let the emotion grip me.  I wasn't trying to eradicate it or obliterate it into the abyss.  I didn't want to shove it so deep down that it would seemingly non-exist.  Rather my desire was manage it cautiously knowing it was brimming to the surface and ready to spill over.  All I wanted was to be in control of it.  I've learned that it is valuable and I wouldn't trade it.  Not the good, bad or ugly simply because it is a part of me and I love being able to feel, to gain perspective and see contrasts more clearly. I do so love the inner workings of my crazy little heart.  Some times it just needs a little discipline.  I just want to yell DAMN IT at the top of my lungs.

Feeling > Numb

This isn't about whether my glass is half empty or half full.  Screw the glass and all associated theories of perspective.  You can keep your glass.  Fill it with rocks or ice cubes, water or Woodford.  I just don't care. I want to close my eyes so tight that I don't have to see it.  Well hello, avoidance.  My old friend!  Oh how I have missed you. 

I simply didn't want the emotion to be so obvious.  So transparent.  As I stopped and looked around this week it was in sheer slow motion while the world around me seemingly blew up.  I felt like I was handling it quite nicely and managing my stress with a certain degree of finesse and grace.  At one point I even I paused to think about the chaos around me I was at peace and proud of my demeanor and my ability to stand strong in the face of it all...and that's when I got hit with the emotional freight train from behind.  I blinked. 

So here's the deal, life is curious, rarely what we plan and so often hard to understand in the present tense.  There are challenges and opportunities pretty much everywhere.  I get all of that.  We all write our own story.  We are all the master of our own fate.  Yup, got that, too.  I'm not going to paint some airy fairy picture of perfection and anyone who does is deceiving themselves and possibly you.  Things feel heavy and they've accumulated and I'm just not coping as well as I would like.  My articulation and visualization of this is a whooping huge pile of failures. Not a single point of failure but a grundle load of them in a messy, chaotic mess that makes me inner rain main weep.  

I can tell you that despite the tears and heart ache that accompany said failure, I have a renewed appreciation for so many of the little things.  Perhaps part of the process is the re-building.  Perhaps it's cleansing and shifts perspective in a way that wouldn't be achieved otherwise.  I know there are ample silver linings here but tonight I shall embrace my inner heartache.  

Now tomorrow when the sun rises up all over again and I don't leap into the day with renewed hope & tenacity swinging both of my arms in rapid and excited succession, then you can worry.  Until then I'm way comfortable allowing the emotion to quietly consume me.  The emotion is authentic and apparently I needed a good release.

"What's the point of failure?  To test yourself.  To find your limit.  To use the knowledge and experience gained in order to set a new, higher limit." - Tom Caitalini

That sounds just great, Tom...just not today.  Tomorrow.

Exponentially exhausted,

bv