It's late and there is a specific task that has been at the top of my list each day and quite deliberately I put it off and place it at the bottom of the list of things that I WANT to do. Does completing it bring me closer to a goal my heart desires? Yes. Does putting it off bring me closer? No. Is there any specific reason I have developed an aversion? Absolutely. I am not lazy. Quite the contrary, my life is full of all things busy and I quite like it that way. I would not consider myself a procrastinator yet I find myself in a similar situation more often than I care to admit. Maybe I'm a lazy procrastinator in denial? What is it that impedes my ability to move forward? Fear. I have thought a lot about this and ultimately, I am the only thing standing between now and forward motion. I hold myself back. It's not intentional rather a reaction. Not a response. A response would be deliberate and require intellect. No, this is what has become involuntary. This is what happens when the doctor hits your knee with a rubber mallet. It comes from my gut without any thought or logic. It's a learned behavior, a self defeating behavior that I have finely tuned over time.
How does this happen? I want to unlearn. I want to undo these type of self defeating behaviors that do not serve me well, that do not perpetuate my desire to conquer the world and leave me feeling small, inadequate and incapable. I've had 35 years to get to the point where this is painfully at my level of awareness so realistically it is going to take some time to undo. I don't have the solution but I want to find it, actively take part in whatever is required to fix this. In a million years, I would never let another treat themselves or another the way that I treat myself. It's cruel and completely not necessary. It never had to be this way. The reality is that I did this and now I want so much to undo it.
If you aren't actively making decisions and taking intentional actions in your life, you are essentially allowing life to happen to you. For somebody who loves planning, control & organization, it makes zero sense why I would sit back and not take control of my own life. The sad truth of this is that I lack the ultimate belief in myself. Not completely and not all of the time but certainly enough that it impedes progress. I lack a personal cheer squad telling me that I can do it. I believe that my harsh inner critic beat the hell out of that squad years ago...because I allowed it. Peace, assurance & confidence were slowly replaced with anxiety, doubt & this idea that I simply was never going to be enough. I fed that ugly voice and willingly became submissive to her unfounded, irrational & harsh notions. It's come at a personal price that is more and more difficult to conceal. I feel painfully transparent and the silver lining is that it has spurred me to action. Let me be clear, this is not wallowing. This is me taking a look at things, not wanting to be this way, seeking understanding and making preparations to move forward.
As I have sought light, information & knowledge, the stars really have aligned and have slowly been bringing it into my life. I can't explain it but I know that I want to take each opportunity to improve myself, shift my perspective and grow past this. I don't have the answers and on days like today I am certain that I don't have any of them. As I think about it, I don't need a personal cheer squad. What I need is a belief in myself that starts in my mind and is supported by and balanced with my heart. If I can sync those feelings to be in congruence with the thoughts then it would feel more authentic and be powerful. I want to be smart and saavy. I want to be a leader and I want to be the best version of myself...I also want to FEEL all of these things. I think it's time to stop fighting myself, to stop applying pressure that starts and ends with me and to stop setting standards that are unrealistic and only held by me and for me.
Today in particular I feel knocked down. It's been building since yesterday and I felt it and thought I was managing it. It's funny how life can catch you off guard even when you think you are on guard. Despite the fact that I could feel this coming, I still felt broadsided when it hit. The silver lining here is that my awareness has been raised. I am seeing patterns, recognizing triggers and ultimately able to feel when I am approaching a breaking point of sorts. Additionally, my recovery time seems to be decreasing. The intensity still sucks the positive energy out of me but I'm hoping to create a series of small shifts that will reduce the impact. That determination is being put to good use, as it should be and that feels good. Ultimately, I have reached a point where being uncomfortable being who I am now is more uncomfortable than taking action to change. Time to make the world a better place.
Taking Courage in Defeat,
bv
I just love you BV!!!
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