It's late and there is a specific task that has been at the top of my list each day and quite deliberately I put it off and place it at the bottom of the list of things that I WANT to do. Does completing it bring me closer to a goal my heart desires? Yes. Does putting it off bring me closer? No. Is there any specific reason I have developed an aversion? Absolutely. I am not lazy. Quite the contrary, my life is full of all things busy and I quite like it that way. I would not consider myself a procrastinator yet I find myself in a similar situation more often than I care to admit. Maybe I'm a lazy procrastinator in denial? What is it that impedes my ability to move forward? Fear. I have thought a lot about this and ultimately, I am the only thing standing between now and forward motion. I hold myself back. It's not intentional rather a reaction. Not a response. A response would be deliberate and require intellect. No, this is what has become involuntary. This is what happens when the doctor hits your knee with a rubber mallet. It comes from my gut without any thought or logic. It's a learned behavior, a self defeating behavior that I have finely tuned over time.
How does this happen? I want to unlearn. I want to undo these type of self defeating behaviors that do not serve me well, that do not perpetuate my desire to conquer the world and leave me feeling small, inadequate and incapable. I've had 35 years to get to the point where this is painfully at my level of awareness so realistically it is going to take some time to undo. I don't have the solution but I want to find it, actively take part in whatever is required to fix this. In a million years, I would never let another treat themselves or another the way that I treat myself. It's cruel and completely not necessary. It never had to be this way. The reality is that I did this and now I want so much to undo it.
If you aren't actively making decisions and taking intentional actions in your life, you are essentially allowing life to happen to you. For somebody who loves planning, control & organization, it makes zero sense why I would sit back and not take control of my own life. The sad truth of this is that I lack the ultimate belief in myself. Not completely and not all of the time but certainly enough that it impedes progress. I lack a personal cheer squad telling me that I can do it. I believe that my harsh inner critic beat the hell out of that squad years ago...because I allowed it. Peace, assurance & confidence were slowly replaced with anxiety, doubt & this idea that I simply was never going to be enough. I fed that ugly voice and willingly became submissive to her unfounded, irrational & harsh notions. It's come at a personal price that is more and more difficult to conceal. I feel painfully transparent and the silver lining is that it has spurred me to action. Let me be clear, this is not wallowing. This is me taking a look at things, not wanting to be this way, seeking understanding and making preparations to move forward.
As I have sought light, information & knowledge, the stars really have aligned and have slowly been bringing it into my life. I can't explain it but I know that I want to take each opportunity to improve myself, shift my perspective and grow past this. I don't have the answers and on days like today I am certain that I don't have any of them. As I think about it, I don't need a personal cheer squad. What I need is a belief in myself that starts in my mind and is supported by and balanced with my heart. If I can sync those feelings to be in congruence with the thoughts then it would feel more authentic and be powerful. I want to be smart and saavy. I want to be a leader and I want to be the best version of myself...I also want to FEEL all of these things. I think it's time to stop fighting myself, to stop applying pressure that starts and ends with me and to stop setting standards that are unrealistic and only held by me and for me.
Today in particular I feel knocked down. It's been building since yesterday and I felt it and thought I was managing it. It's funny how life can catch you off guard even when you think you are on guard. Despite the fact that I could feel this coming, I still felt broadsided when it hit. The silver lining here is that my awareness has been raised. I am seeing patterns, recognizing triggers and ultimately able to feel when I am approaching a breaking point of sorts. Additionally, my recovery time seems to be decreasing. The intensity still sucks the positive energy out of me but I'm hoping to create a series of small shifts that will reduce the impact. That determination is being put to good use, as it should be and that feels good. Ultimately, I have reached a point where being uncomfortable being who I am now is more uncomfortable than taking action to change. Time to make the world a better place.
Taking Courage in Defeat,
bv
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
'Yeh, You Can't Front On That'
You could front on that but that smoke and those mirrors won't do you any favors. Sooner or later that smoke is going to dissipate and you're going to be left with a mirror reflecting reality. That's right. The Beastie Boys just called you out. What is it that you want? Do you know? Have you thought about it? Are you making it happen? Chances are pretty good that if you don't know, you won't get it. Life is about far more than reacting to what happens to us and around us. How foolish would it be to merely allow life to wipe it's feet on us? Just say no to door mats! Did you just build your house upon the sand and are hoping for the best? Um, no thanks. You can keep your cruise to no where. Some people enjoy that. I'll steer my own boat, thank you kindly. You see the difference here? There is one there, it's huge and it's staring you down in that dirty mirror that the smoke left behind.
I'm about to go all 'Alice in Wonderland on you' so try to keep up! The Cheshire cat put it pretty plainly when Alice comes upon a split in the road. She was all kinds of clueless and upon inquiring which path she should take, the toothy grinned cat responds, 'That depends on where you want to go." Alice doesn't know where she wants to go (red flag, people RED FLAG) and thus the cat replies, 'then it doesn't matter which path you take". The moral of this is that you need to have a plan. In order to have a plan, you need to know what you want. It's almost become unnatural to stop and think about it. Think about thinking (great concept, Pops). Filter out all of the noise in the world (and that ugly not yet tamed wolf voice in your head) and really decide what it is YOU want. So then you pull out your little GPS unit in the game of life, plug in your dreamy destination and start following the steps to get where you want to be!
Are you missing that highest peak because you are so focused on scaling the smaller more immediate hills? Are you so busy putting out fires that you stop to consider that there is more going on? Because there is more to it all, I promise. How easy is it to focus on the more immediate prizes than to step back and look at the big picture comprehensively? Do you have enough confidence and grit to move forward? No doubt you've learned a tremendous amount in the arch of your life. Are you applying that what you have learned? ARE YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN? (yes, I totally felt like yelling this for effect) Are you empowered with perspective, skills and passion? There is more to life and I am so hungry for it! HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF (not the ugly, negative one but again, I'm happy to work with her and turn things around). If I was Duran Duran, I would bust out into that song right now (but I'm not aaaaaaand I can't sing to save my life, consider yourself spared and of course you're welcome).
The bell has rung, people! No more drifting along hoping for the best. Keep your hope and well wishes. Let me know how that works out for you! How about committing to live a fulfilling, joyful and successful life? What does that look like to you? It starts with identifying what you want. Make like Nike and Just.Do.It. It's worth figuring out and if you don't do this for yourself, I can assure you that someone else will come along and do it for you only the outcome won't be the pretty picture you painted but a place that likely is happiness for someone else and a whole lot of 'what the what?' for you. Be your own best friend. Be your own advocate. Fight for you because you deserve it and if you don't do it, nobody else will. The steering wheel is all yours. Now drive!
No guilt. No selling yourself short. Dig deep. Be the dream maker! There's no room for fear here. You heard it here first! Yes, you will need a plan. You'll also need a contingency plan and a contingency plan for that contingency plan. What remains constant is the objective. Go, fight, win! This is the part where you roll up your sleeves and put some serious elbow grease into it. Chances are good you will get knocked down along the way, feel disappointed and even consider quitting. Maybe redirecting is the right course of action. You've got to evaluate and trust yourself enough to feel good about it and ensure your heart and mind are in congruence on all important matters in your life. Keep your eyes on the prize! What I'm saying is pick yourself up, dust yourself off (with a smile knowing you went for it and learned a thing or two in the process) and refuse to be defined or deterred in your desire to forge forward. Move, shoot and execute!
As for me, I will get what I want because I design it that way. I am the architect of my own life and it feels so good because my eyes are wide open, I am using that mirror to make adjustments and I've made peace with those Beastie Boys...I know what I want and I'm rip, raring and ready to chase it down! No magic wand is required to make this magic happen!
Determinedly yours,
bv
I'm about to go all 'Alice in Wonderland on you' so try to keep up! The Cheshire cat put it pretty plainly when Alice comes upon a split in the road. She was all kinds of clueless and upon inquiring which path she should take, the toothy grinned cat responds, 'That depends on where you want to go." Alice doesn't know where she wants to go (red flag, people RED FLAG) and thus the cat replies, 'then it doesn't matter which path you take". The moral of this is that you need to have a plan. In order to have a plan, you need to know what you want. It's almost become unnatural to stop and think about it. Think about thinking (great concept, Pops). Filter out all of the noise in the world (and that ugly not yet tamed wolf voice in your head) and really decide what it is YOU want. So then you pull out your little GPS unit in the game of life, plug in your dreamy destination and start following the steps to get where you want to be!
Are you missing that highest peak because you are so focused on scaling the smaller more immediate hills? Are you so busy putting out fires that you stop to consider that there is more going on? Because there is more to it all, I promise. How easy is it to focus on the more immediate prizes than to step back and look at the big picture comprehensively? Do you have enough confidence and grit to move forward? No doubt you've learned a tremendous amount in the arch of your life. Are you applying that what you have learned? ARE YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN? (yes, I totally felt like yelling this for effect) Are you empowered with perspective, skills and passion? There is more to life and I am so hungry for it! HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF (not the ugly, negative one but again, I'm happy to work with her and turn things around). If I was Duran Duran, I would bust out into that song right now (but I'm not aaaaaaand I can't sing to save my life, consider yourself spared and of course you're welcome).
The bell has rung, people! No more drifting along hoping for the best. Keep your hope and well wishes. Let me know how that works out for you! How about committing to live a fulfilling, joyful and successful life? What does that look like to you? It starts with identifying what you want. Make like Nike and Just.Do.It. It's worth figuring out and if you don't do this for yourself, I can assure you that someone else will come along and do it for you only the outcome won't be the pretty picture you painted but a place that likely is happiness for someone else and a whole lot of 'what the what?' for you. Be your own best friend. Be your own advocate. Fight for you because you deserve it and if you don't do it, nobody else will. The steering wheel is all yours. Now drive!
No guilt. No selling yourself short. Dig deep. Be the dream maker! There's no room for fear here. You heard it here first! Yes, you will need a plan. You'll also need a contingency plan and a contingency plan for that contingency plan. What remains constant is the objective. Go, fight, win! This is the part where you roll up your sleeves and put some serious elbow grease into it. Chances are good you will get knocked down along the way, feel disappointed and even consider quitting. Maybe redirecting is the right course of action. You've got to evaluate and trust yourself enough to feel good about it and ensure your heart and mind are in congruence on all important matters in your life. Keep your eyes on the prize! What I'm saying is pick yourself up, dust yourself off (with a smile knowing you went for it and learned a thing or two in the process) and refuse to be defined or deterred in your desire to forge forward. Move, shoot and execute!
As for me, I will get what I want because I design it that way. I am the architect of my own life and it feels so good because my eyes are wide open, I am using that mirror to make adjustments and I've made peace with those Beastie Boys...I know what I want and I'm rip, raring and ready to chase it down! No magic wand is required to make this magic happen!
Determinedly yours,
bv
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