Unbreak My What?

I'm not looking for a soul on this green earth to unbreak my heart.  I am not looking for anyone else to fix me or make my life better.  I'll be the master of my own fate, thank you very much.  Ms. Toni Braxton can wail on about it all she wants but it doesn't change the fact that we are each responsible for our own happiness.   She can beg, whimper and plead but in the end I'm pretty sure her one hit wonder was left in 1996 for a good reason.  Wipe your own tears.  Create your own smile.  Love yourself and know that you are enough. Unbreak your own heart, girl and go on with your bad self!  You've got a life to LIVE and so do I.  Seems like someone should yell 'AMEN' right here.

Ultimately, other people can help you along your journey but when it comes down to it, we are each accountable for our own path.  Choices.  Trade offs.  I got myself here.  It may or may not be at a desirable place.  I'll make that value judgment myself and proceed accordingly.  Just add ACTION and stir!   Should mix up quite nicely, uh huh!  I will then decide where it is that I do want to be and I'll get there, too. You can bet your sweet bippy that I am not going to sit quietly, hope for the best and think that it-is-what-it-is.  I am NOT powerless.  Admittedly, I have at times allowed life to beat the crap out of me and I have allowed fear to paralyze me.  Not taking action is a choice.  It is an inadvertent acceptance that comes when you do not take any deliberate action.   Life just happens to you and around you.  It's like rolling over, closing your eyes really tight, turning your head or burying it in the sand.  Life is still happening, time is still passing and the world can still see you.    Lesson learned.

Yes, it's the old Cherokee Indian legend and it's about to bite you in the arse!  An old duff is teaching a little mite about an internal fight.  It's a terrible fight between two wolves.  One of those wolves is ugly inside and out, evil & full of anger.  He is full of regret, greed, guilt, resentment, lies, pride and self-pity.  Now the other wolf is another story.  This wolf radiates goodness and light.  This wolf is full of hope, peace, love, joy, kindness, truth, faith & compassion.  The belief that was perpetuated was that this battle goes on inside each and every one of us (yes, you).  The question is...which wolf will win?  The answer is ALWAYS the wolf that you feed.  You best think about that and make some serious decisions come feeding time.  

I have fed that POS wolf.  It wasn't ever intentional and that may or may not be the worst part. However, a lack of self awareness is no excuse.  That wolf is a cancer and would have you believe that all of the shiny, sparkly, beautiful bits that are so very you are all ugly, worthless, and of little value.  With time that wolf becomes a powerful voice, a harsh inner critic that breeds discontent, stress, and anxiety.  Unwittingly you reach a point where you are driven by that wolf, don't realize it and can't figure out why everything seems so miserable and feels so ishy (I do so love this word).  I would like to say that there isn't anything good that can come of that wolf BUT I do not believe that to be true.  I am CERTAIN that there are silver linings everywhere and this is no exception.

Knowing that wolf well, feeling broken and catching glimpses of the realization that it is NOT necessary to live that way sparks a fire.  It can be difficult to see past the muck or hear over the noise.  Negative energy can be tangible and limit the heart and mind.  Those glimpses help to see that there is so much more depth, meaning and goodness in life and more often than not, these glimpses come through other people.  This is the part where other's help raise the level of self awareness.  It is their quiet gift to you.  It's not something that anyone can unbreak for you and so the that path starts inside and lies ahead of you.

This has recently spurred a strong and sincere desire to make whatever changes necessary to move past that place, overcome feelings of being small and insignificant and rediscover all of those shiny, sparkly and beautiful pieces of myself.  That wolf provides clarity and contrast.  Now I get it.  You can shout AMEN again if you want to.  I just did.

Turns out nothing was broken.  Just needed to do some serious house cleaning. There is plenty of sparkle, shine and loads of light once you clear out all of the nonsense that has accumulated over time.  I'm a forever work in progress but am so excited to be able to see so much further and not only welcome the challenge but throw my arms around it tightly and embrace it hardcore.  I've also thought about choking out the wolf while I was at it but have opted instead to tame that wild beast!  I'm certain that you can teach an old wolf new tricks! So really, which wolf are you feeding?  

My courageous heart is jumping up and defiantly yelling, 'BRING IT ON' in the face of everything that tells me that I cannot.   It's so overdue and that wolf has no idea what's coming!

Unabashedly yours, 

bv