Points of Failure

Today I don't feel like fighting or picking myself up off of the floor.  The referee can ring the bell all he or she wants. Have at it.  Frankly, I just don't have the energy to care.  Call me a quitter.  Poke at me and even kick me while I'm down.  Makes little matter.  Tomorrow is a new day and at that point I will carefully reconsider and at that point I may just bite back...a lot...but not today.  

Until then the waves can crash over me and I'll go with it and allow myself to get tossed to and fro.  Everyone talks about the whole fight or flight response.  Is there some documentation somewhere about the curl-up-in-a-ball and cry response?  I made it through the week and that is the extent of my fight today and just maybe that's good enough.

I wanted so badly not to let the emotion grip me.  I wasn't trying to eradicate it or obliterate it into the abyss.  I didn't want to shove it so deep down that it would seemingly non-exist.  Rather my desire was manage it cautiously knowing it was brimming to the surface and ready to spill over.  All I wanted was to be in control of it.  I've learned that it is valuable and I wouldn't trade it.  Not the good, bad or ugly simply because it is a part of me and I love being able to feel, to gain perspective and see contrasts more clearly. I do so love the inner workings of my crazy little heart.  Some times it just needs a little discipline.  I just want to yell DAMN IT at the top of my lungs.

Feeling > Numb

This isn't about whether my glass is half empty or half full.  Screw the glass and all associated theories of perspective.  You can keep your glass.  Fill it with rocks or ice cubes, water or Woodford.  I just don't care. I want to close my eyes so tight that I don't have to see it.  Well hello, avoidance.  My old friend!  Oh how I have missed you. 

I simply didn't want the emotion to be so obvious.  So transparent.  As I stopped and looked around this week it was in sheer slow motion while the world around me seemingly blew up.  I felt like I was handling it quite nicely and managing my stress with a certain degree of finesse and grace.  At one point I even I paused to think about the chaos around me I was at peace and proud of my demeanor and my ability to stand strong in the face of it all...and that's when I got hit with the emotional freight train from behind.  I blinked. 

So here's the deal, life is curious, rarely what we plan and so often hard to understand in the present tense.  There are challenges and opportunities pretty much everywhere.  I get all of that.  We all write our own story.  We are all the master of our own fate.  Yup, got that, too.  I'm not going to paint some airy fairy picture of perfection and anyone who does is deceiving themselves and possibly you.  Things feel heavy and they've accumulated and I'm just not coping as well as I would like.  My articulation and visualization of this is a whooping huge pile of failures. Not a single point of failure but a grundle load of them in a messy, chaotic mess that makes me inner rain main weep.  

I can tell you that despite the tears and heart ache that accompany said failure, I have a renewed appreciation for so many of the little things.  Perhaps part of the process is the re-building.  Perhaps it's cleansing and shifts perspective in a way that wouldn't be achieved otherwise.  I know there are ample silver linings here but tonight I shall embrace my inner heartache.  

Now tomorrow when the sun rises up all over again and I don't leap into the day with renewed hope & tenacity swinging both of my arms in rapid and excited succession, then you can worry.  Until then I'm way comfortable allowing the emotion to quietly consume me.  The emotion is authentic and apparently I needed a good release.

"What's the point of failure?  To test yourself.  To find your limit.  To use the knowledge and experience gained in order to set a new, higher limit." - Tom Caitalini

That sounds just great, Tom...just not today.  Tomorrow.

Exponentially exhausted,

bv

No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer

It's late and there is a specific task that has been at the top of my list each day and quite deliberately I put it off and place it at the bottom of the list of things that I WANT to do.  Does completing it bring me closer to a goal my heart desires?  Yes.  Does putting it off bring me closer? No. Is there any specific reason I have developed an aversion?   Absolutely.  I am not lazy.  Quite the contrary, my life is full of all things busy and I quite like it that way.  I would not consider myself a procrastinator yet I find myself in a similar situation more often than I care to admit.  Maybe I'm a lazy procrastinator in denial?  What is it that impedes my ability to move forward?  Fear.  I have thought a lot about this and ultimately, I am the only thing standing between now and forward motion.  I hold myself back.  It's not intentional rather a reaction. Not a response.  A response would be deliberate and require intellect. No, this is what has become involuntary.  This is what happens when the doctor hits your knee with a rubber mallet.   It comes from my gut without any thought or logic.  It's a learned behavior, a self defeating behavior that I have finely tuned over time.

How does this happen?  I want to unlearn.  I want to undo these type of self defeating behaviors that do not serve me well, that do not perpetuate my desire to conquer the world and leave me feeling small, inadequate and incapable.  I've had 35 years to get to the point where this is painfully at my level of awareness so realistically it is going to take some time to undo.  I don't have the solution but I want to find it, actively take part in whatever is required to fix this.  In a million years, I would never let another treat themselves or another the way that I treat myself.  It's cruel and completely not necessary.  It never had to be this way.  The reality is that I did this and now I want so much to undo it.

If you aren't actively making decisions and taking intentional actions in your life, you are essentially allowing life to happen to you.  For somebody who loves planning, control & organization, it makes zero sense why I would sit back and not take control of my own life.  The sad truth of this is that I lack the ultimate belief in myself.  Not completely and not all of the time but certainly enough that it impedes progress.  I lack a personal cheer squad telling me that I can do it.  I believe that my harsh inner critic beat the hell out of that squad years ago...because I allowed it.  Peace, assurance & confidence were slowly replaced with anxiety, doubt & this idea that I simply was never going to be enough.  I fed that ugly voice and willingly became submissive to her unfounded, irrational & harsh notions.  It's come at a personal price that is more and more difficult to conceal.  I feel painfully transparent and the silver lining is that it has spurred me to action. Let me be clear, this is not wallowing.  This is me taking a look at things, not wanting to be this way, seeking understanding and making preparations to move forward.

As I have sought light, information & knowledge, the stars really have aligned and have slowly been bringing it into my life.  I can't explain it but I know that I want to take each opportunity to improve myself, shift my perspective and grow past this.  I don't have the answers and on days like today I am certain that I don't have any of them.  As I think about it, I don't need a personal cheer squad.  What I need is a belief in myself that starts in my mind and is supported by and balanced with my heart.  If I can sync those feelings to be in congruence with the thoughts then it would feel more authentic and be powerful.  I want to be smart and saavy.  I want to be a leader and I want to be the best version of myself...I also want to FEEL all of these things.  I think it's time to stop fighting myself, to stop applying pressure that starts and ends with me and to stop setting standards that are unrealistic and only held by me and for me.  

Today in particular I feel knocked down.  It's been building since yesterday and I felt it and thought I was managing it.  It's funny how life can catch you off guard even when you think you are on guard. Despite the fact that I could feel this coming, I still felt broadsided when it hit. The silver lining here is that my awareness has been raised.  I am seeing patterns, recognizing triggers and ultimately able to feel when I am approaching a breaking point of sorts.  Additionally, my recovery time seems to be decreasing.  The intensity still sucks the positive energy out of me but I'm hoping to create a series of small shifts that will reduce the impact.  That determination is being put to good use, as it should be and that feels good.  Ultimately, I have reached a point where being uncomfortable being who I am now is more uncomfortable than taking action to change.  Time to make the world a better place.

Taking Courage in Defeat,
bv

'Yeh, You Can't Front On That'

You could front on that but that smoke and those mirrors won't do you any favors.  Sooner or later that smoke is going to dissipate and you're going to be left with a mirror reflecting reality.  That's right.  The Beastie Boys just called you out.  What is it that you want?  Do you know?  Have you thought about it?  Are you making it happen? Chances are pretty good that if you don't know, you won't get it.  Life is about far more than reacting to what happens to us and around us. How foolish would it be to merely allow life to wipe it's feet on us?  Just say no to door mats!  Did you just build your house upon the sand and are hoping for the best?  Um, no thanks.  You can keep your cruise to no where.  Some people enjoy that.  I'll steer my own boat, thank you kindly.  You see the difference here?  There is one there, it's huge and it's staring you down in that dirty mirror that the smoke left behind.

I'm about to go all 'Alice in Wonderland on you' so try to keep up!  The Cheshire cat put it pretty plainly when Alice comes upon a split in the road.  She was all kinds of  clueless and upon inquiring which path she should take, the toothy grinned cat responds, 'That depends on where you want to go."  Alice doesn't know where she wants to go (red flag, people RED FLAG) and thus the cat replies, 'then it doesn't matter which path you take".  The moral of this is that you need to have a plan.  In order to have a plan, you need to know what you want.  It's almost become unnatural to stop and think about it.  Think about thinking (great concept, Pops).  Filter out all of the noise in the world (and that ugly not yet tamed wolf voice in your head) and really decide what it is YOU want.  So then you pull out your little GPS unit in the game of life, plug in your dreamy destination and start following the steps to get where you want to be!

Are you missing that highest peak because you are so focused on scaling the smaller more immediate hills?  Are you so busy putting out fires that you stop to consider that there is more going on?  Because there is more to it all, I promise.  How easy is it to focus on the more immediate prizes than to step back and look at the big picture comprehensively?  Do you have enough confidence and grit to move forward?  No doubt you've learned a tremendous amount in the arch of your life.  Are you applying that what you have learned?  ARE YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN? (yes, I totally felt like yelling this for effect)  Are you empowered with perspective, skills and passion?  There is more to life and I am so hungry for it!  HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF (not the ugly, negative one but again, I'm happy to work with her and turn things around).  If I was Duran Duran, I would bust out into that song right now (but I'm not aaaaaaand I can't sing to save my life, consider yourself spared and of course you're welcome).

The bell has rung, people!  No more drifting along hoping for the best. Keep your hope and well wishes.  Let me know how that works out for you!  How about committing to live a fulfilling, joyful and successful life?  What does that look like to you?  It starts with identifying what you want.  Make like Nike and Just.Do.It.  It's worth figuring out and if you don't do this for yourself, I can assure you that someone else will come along and do it for you only the outcome won't be the pretty picture you painted but a place that likely is happiness for someone else and a whole lot of 'what the what?' for you.  Be your own best friend.  Be your own advocate.  Fight for you because you deserve it and if you don't do it, nobody else will.  The steering wheel is all yours.  Now drive!

No guilt. No selling yourself short.  Dig deep.  Be the dream maker! There's no room for fear here. You heard it here first!  Yes, you will need a plan.  You'll also need a contingency plan and a contingency plan for that contingency plan.  What remains constant is the objective. Go, fight, win!  This is the part where you roll up your sleeves and put some serious elbow grease into it. Chances are good you will get knocked down along the way, feel disappointed and even consider quitting.  Maybe redirecting is the right course of action.  You've got to evaluate and trust yourself enough to feel good about it and ensure your heart and mind are in congruence on all important matters in your life.  Keep your eyes on the prize!  What I'm saying is pick yourself up, dust yourself off (with a smile knowing you went for it and learned a thing or two in the process) and refuse to be defined or deterred in your desire to forge forward.  Move, shoot and execute! 

As for me, I will get what I want because I design it that way.  I am the architect of my own life and it feels so good because my eyes are wide open, I am using that mirror to make adjustments and I've made peace with those Beastie Boys...I know what I want and I'm rip, raring and ready to chase it down!  No magic wand is required to make this magic happen!

Determinedly yours,
bv

Unbreak My What?

I'm not looking for a soul on this green earth to unbreak my heart.  I am not looking for anyone else to fix me or make my life better.  I'll be the master of my own fate, thank you very much.  Ms. Toni Braxton can wail on about it all she wants but it doesn't change the fact that we are each responsible for our own happiness.   She can beg, whimper and plead but in the end I'm pretty sure her one hit wonder was left in 1996 for a good reason.  Wipe your own tears.  Create your own smile.  Love yourself and know that you are enough. Unbreak your own heart, girl and go on with your bad self!  You've got a life to LIVE and so do I.  Seems like someone should yell 'AMEN' right here.

Ultimately, other people can help you along your journey but when it comes down to it, we are each accountable for our own path.  Choices.  Trade offs.  I got myself here.  It may or may not be at a desirable place.  I'll make that value judgment myself and proceed accordingly.  Just add ACTION and stir!   Should mix up quite nicely, uh huh!  I will then decide where it is that I do want to be and I'll get there, too. You can bet your sweet bippy that I am not going to sit quietly, hope for the best and think that it-is-what-it-is.  I am NOT powerless.  Admittedly, I have at times allowed life to beat the crap out of me and I have allowed fear to paralyze me.  Not taking action is a choice.  It is an inadvertent acceptance that comes when you do not take any deliberate action.   Life just happens to you and around you.  It's like rolling over, closing your eyes really tight, turning your head or burying it in the sand.  Life is still happening, time is still passing and the world can still see you.    Lesson learned.

Yes, it's the old Cherokee Indian legend and it's about to bite you in the arse!  An old duff is teaching a little mite about an internal fight.  It's a terrible fight between two wolves.  One of those wolves is ugly inside and out, evil & full of anger.  He is full of regret, greed, guilt, resentment, lies, pride and self-pity.  Now the other wolf is another story.  This wolf radiates goodness and light.  This wolf is full of hope, peace, love, joy, kindness, truth, faith & compassion.  The belief that was perpetuated was that this battle goes on inside each and every one of us (yes, you).  The question is...which wolf will win?  The answer is ALWAYS the wolf that you feed.  You best think about that and make some serious decisions come feeding time.  

I have fed that POS wolf.  It wasn't ever intentional and that may or may not be the worst part. However, a lack of self awareness is no excuse.  That wolf is a cancer and would have you believe that all of the shiny, sparkly, beautiful bits that are so very you are all ugly, worthless, and of little value.  With time that wolf becomes a powerful voice, a harsh inner critic that breeds discontent, stress, and anxiety.  Unwittingly you reach a point where you are driven by that wolf, don't realize it and can't figure out why everything seems so miserable and feels so ishy (I do so love this word).  I would like to say that there isn't anything good that can come of that wolf BUT I do not believe that to be true.  I am CERTAIN that there are silver linings everywhere and this is no exception.

Knowing that wolf well, feeling broken and catching glimpses of the realization that it is NOT necessary to live that way sparks a fire.  It can be difficult to see past the muck or hear over the noise.  Negative energy can be tangible and limit the heart and mind.  Those glimpses help to see that there is so much more depth, meaning and goodness in life and more often than not, these glimpses come through other people.  This is the part where other's help raise the level of self awareness.  It is their quiet gift to you.  It's not something that anyone can unbreak for you and so the that path starts inside and lies ahead of you.

This has recently spurred a strong and sincere desire to make whatever changes necessary to move past that place, overcome feelings of being small and insignificant and rediscover all of those shiny, sparkly and beautiful pieces of myself.  That wolf provides clarity and contrast.  Now I get it.  You can shout AMEN again if you want to.  I just did.

Turns out nothing was broken.  Just needed to do some serious house cleaning. There is plenty of sparkle, shine and loads of light once you clear out all of the nonsense that has accumulated over time.  I'm a forever work in progress but am so excited to be able to see so much further and not only welcome the challenge but throw my arms around it tightly and embrace it hardcore.  I've also thought about choking out the wolf while I was at it but have opted instead to tame that wild beast!  I'm certain that you can teach an old wolf new tricks! So really, which wolf are you feeding?  

My courageous heart is jumping up and defiantly yelling, 'BRING IT ON' in the face of everything that tells me that I cannot.   It's so overdue and that wolf has no idea what's coming!

Unabashedly yours, 

bv